Why do I need a Doula when I have my Momma?

Porchin’ during my Sacred Postpartum Window

Imagine this, a culture that surrounds you after you give birth, nearly overwhelming you with many months of support, nourishing meals, minions to do your cleaning and a motherly wisdom that takes the guesswork out of ‘what you should be doing right now’…This DOES exist in certain parts of the world still. Women support other women and societal expectations of these new mothers isn’t to cram back into their old life without error or struggle. Our societal view of postpartum in the United States has morphed into a sham of what this time period really is- a mother births a new baby, yay! Everyone is thrilled! Birth (the hardest part!) is over, and now you have 6 -12 weeks to get your life, emotions and childcare straight before you need to go back to work. Oh! Don’t forget you need to learn how to pump, get the right sized flange, don’t crack your nipples too much from overdoing it, but come on! Gotta store enough milk so your baby doesn’t go hungry while you’re at work. Let alone, hope they take a bottle…

So much pressure and expectational pull on these fragile new mothers. What are we even being pulled towards anyway-a life of high performance and muted emotions? We don’t want to think of ourselves as ‘fragile’ either because we have just persevered through most likely the hardest physical and emotional experience we have ever endured. However, our bodies are deeply mending, our minds are bending with this new expansion and our energy is shot. We shouldn’t have to be Big and Tough. We should be allowed to be ‘fragile’ without the connotation of ‘lesser than’ or ’weak’. If any other type of human (let’s take a middle-aged man) was put into a scenario where he woke up 3+ times a night with requirements to be coordinated and productive while keeping a positive attitude for 3-12 months time, then proceed to also be productive during the day (this isn’t just a night shift where you can then sleep all day to catch up!), he would be a literal disaster. He definitely wouldn’t be going back to work at 6 weeks, he would demand paid leave and community support, free lactation consults and food brought to his door for months. He would demand facials and spa treatments just for his sanity and that he actually GET PAID while staying home raising the future generation, even if he wasn’t going back to work. But strangely, these ‘outlandish’ requests would be completely realistic and appropriate demands to support the harrowing process. The slow grind on women through the ages has resulted in us developing superpowers where we are able to multitask like a boss- raise children, work efficiently at another job, keep house, home chef, home educate, tend our land, and often still make time for other hobbies. Why did busyness and extreme productivity become our new normal? While we may have evolved to be so incredibly capable to handle this demand load straight after birth, we shouldn’t be expected to nor should we strive to.

This time period should be held as sacred.

A sweet time of rebirth and rejuvenation from deep within our muscles and tissues and soul.

We have been torn apart, sometimes literally, carry deep wounds (also literally from the placenta detachment) and have felt such emotional extremes that our body’s require a thorough nourishment and rest. This time is calling us to slow down to honor our bodies and minds as they transition into a new realm, sometimes an incredibly foreign one. If ever there was a depleted time in life where a woman needed thorough nourishment that struck bone with the depth of taproot, mineral rich herbs and robust fats that seep into the deepest layers of her being, it is now. This is where the significance of a good doula comes into play during postpartum.

Doulas cannot replace mothers coming to help their daughters, but these grandmothers cannot replace doulas either.

They are not mutually exclusive, they are both so importantly desired and needed.

A grandmother can offer the connection of a mother, a one who knows you in a way that no one else does, a shared umbilical cord, a recorded lineage. A grandmother is excellent for helping with older grandkids, running errands, maintaining the house on a daily basis, and providing supplies or perhaps, monetary resources. A postpartum doula is the perfect complement to these 2 week-in-house grandmothers because we come with a depth of knowledge and support from a professional standpoint. Taking care of postpartum women and babies is our jam, our livelihood, our studied practice. We are the pros. We can offer a depth of support that accentuates what you already have going on and we will remain for many more weeks after grandma has gone home. We will be there as your new-mother filly legs learn how to walk (sometimes literally), then trot, then run and thrive. We solely focus on you when we show up, without another agenda or personal feelings or abrupt opinions that can derail the journey that you want to have. We want to hold you as you allow yourself to feel and process the drama and trauma surrounding birth and breastfeeding and healing. We want to nourish you with foods, herbs and spices that make you feel safe and grounded and ease digestion fraught with fear. We want to slowly feed the fire in your belly so you can restore energy again and not feel exhausted for the next many years, while also enjoying what you eat. We want you to feel like ‘oh yes, this is what I was hoping to eat for lunch today’ because your brain and gut crave real food. We also want to accompany you on your infant feeding journey- this quagmire of feelings and body positions that oscillates so hard you may get a crick in your neck (also literally). The path of making milk is fraught with plenty of tears and doubts and we want to be there through the whole thing. Maybe your mother is a masseuse but if not, we doulas can help you drop into another dimension while giving you warm oil bodywork on a table in your own, comfy, dark bedroom. Take that for deep rest and grounding. Shouldn’t the mothers of our future generations be getting completely spoiled? Shouldn’t they be rewarded for the sacrifice and courage they represent when carrying, birthing and raising the children that will one day be adults running the world? I believe so, but I think we’ve forgotten that this isn’t just a woman’s sidequest. This postpartum window is the bonding time connecting baby and mother, the nervous system co-regulation between them pointing toward success or potential failure to thrive for both entities. We are here to give tested tricks for soothing your baby as it struggles to communicate with you.

There is a path where this mother could feel even more renewed a few months later, a stronger contributor to society, a more grounded and stable-minded woman that has the capacity to support other women in their own postpartum phase. A step in the direction of removing business from doulas. But isn’t this the goal? That one day, doulas may not be so deeply needed because our neighbors and best friends and sisters have revived their community of support. We see the needs and take care of them. We lift each other instead of rival each other. We are seen and heard and nourished because postpartum is revered as a time of great import, of great need, and of radical transition.

But, we are not there yet.

So in the meantime, I challenge you to look around at your fellow mothers and neighbors- can you step in to support, or make a meal, or watch a toddler for an afternoon for a new mom? Can we refer new mothers to trusted doulas who can allow them to let go of the performance expected of them? Can we reform our neighborhoods into places that feel like villages? I think we can, but during that transformative process, doulas are of great import. Women need to see the value of true rest and replenishment so they understand that this is how postpartum should be. This realization demands change of the status quo and will eventually change the world, one birth at a time. If you’re pregnant, go ahead, hire a postpartum doula. This isn’t spoiling yourself unnecessarily or stating that you’re incapable, it’s you lovingly realizing that you deserve to be nourished in a way you’ve never felt before. You are so worthy of your own love. Gift yourself and your family with a postpartum doula. 

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Contact Me if you’re interested in hearing more about what I could do for you during your postpartum.

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